Update

Life has been interesting lately. Been getting on with work which has been going well. I think things I have been so much better since I decided getting into a relationship was not going to make my life easier or better. It can be difficult initially when you finish a relationship. But trying to substitute your love with another person can be detrimental. Thankfully I have decided to let it come in it’s own time. For now life is about finding myself again. In the last couple of months I’ve really come into myself. There is a peace and serenity which has been absent for a long time. I really need to take mote time to write a few words once in a while as this can be so therapeutic.

Update on my life.

Since my last post I have been promoted to a larger store. It’s been a challenging 4 months as some of the members of staff harboured a grudge against me taking over. Eventually I moved on those who did not want to work with me. I’m beginning to feel drained ad I spend some much time at work. I need a break as the last time I took a holiday was august. A meaningful relationship seems to elude me at the moment. It makes me wonder if it is me. Perhaps I am subconsciously being self destructive and ensuring that any relationship fails. Alas I am still not content.

Getting there

There’s no vast improvement in my life but I am beginning to feel more at ease with myself. Work is going really well and I have been singled out by my Director for brilliant growth of my store. Enjoying the kudos of that. My personal life is a work in progress. Still can’t seen the light at the end but life is distinctly brighter. I’m ready to begin the transformation of myself. First step is going to the gym and training more frequently. The goal I have set myself is to be able to compete in an MMA fight by february. I also need to increase in size so I can go into the heavier weight group. So much more fun fighting bigger people. Only thing is that because I have been pretty much 72 kilos for much of my life I have no idea whether I will lose speed going up groups. Oh well. Bring on Wednesday and the start of my new regime and the possibility of good things. I have to profess a great sadness on hearing from my younger brother that he thinks he is going to end his 7year relationship with his girlfriend. I thought that was going to go the distance. The saying never judge a book by its cover is so apt. It turns out that he hasn’t been feeling right about it for 4 years. yes i know, its a long time to have doubts. The only counsel I could give him really is to take his time in making the correct decision. He has never really had to deal with the absence of someone who has played a big part in his life. I know things have not been easy for them with the mortgage on their House and both of them working all the hours. I do hope there is a chance to get some quality time together when they go on holiday to Spain. That’s the sad thing about faimilies you cannot lead their lives for them. He’s a sensible kid and I’m sure he’ll be allright. We’ve always been a supportive and close family.

It’s been a while.

I haven’t written in a while. Think it’s time. I’ve been focusing on work for the last couple of weeks. probably because I have nothing else to do . It’s hard to take in that this loneliness that I feel is all my responsibility. But that’s the truth. I find myself seeking out ways to avoid being lonely. I enjoy spending time by myself, but these days it doesn’t feel like it is a choice. It’s so strange I find myself going to bars by myself. Sitting there reading a book. I don’t think there is anything in particular that’s wrong about that. What I don’t like is the way I feel afterwards. I’ve even started on something I had left behind a long while ago. I’ve started smoking herb in the evening to get to sleep. I’ve suffered from Insomnia for the last 12 years and just about get 5 hours sleep every night. I used to smoke to get to sleep but decided to stop because it was just self medicating. I still struggled sleeping. Now I am doing it because it stops me from feeling sorry for myself. When I smoke I can just zone out and think positively. Because of the speed of my metabolism and the control of how much I smoke there are no effects in regards to me getting up for work in the morning. I don’t smoke at any other time. I’m waiting for the new gym near my workplace to open because I know this isn’t sustainable. I think that when I start training again I will get an opportunity to make new friend in some of the classes I’m at. Being me is to be alone. Being alone is not me. I’m not totally friendless. Most of the people I know are quite far away and I rarely see them often. What ever happened to me. i shouldn’t be this way. People meeting would never assume this about me. I think I have to tackle the root of my problem. The reason why I distance myself from others. But right now I don’t have a clue at all. Time to go before I start rambling if I haven’t already.

Why can’t I smile?

I feel like I’ve reached a new low. Before you go on, I am in no way suicidal. Nor am I feeling this way because of the end of a relationship. I will get up tomorrow and face life just like I normally do. So please read this in the context that I mean it.

I have no reason for anything I do. I wake up in the morning and I try to understand the point of it all. Why am i surrounded by people yet still so alone. It’s my birthday tomorrow and  a time of joy it only serves to remind me how truly alone I am. I’ve been on holiday for the past week and the majority of the time I have spent alone drinking and reading a book. How civilised am I . I am intelligent and good looking to a point. I can integrate with people yet find myself not doing so. I wonder at times whether I think that i am better than other people and that is the reason why I keep myself aloof from others. Or whether it is some deep rooted issue that makes me this way. My mother and father are no longer together after more than 20 years of being married so I hardly think that is the issue as I was an adult when they split up. Yet I find so many similarities between my father and myself. He is approaching 70 and pines for my mother. But he can only blame himself for the situation he finds himself in. he was a hard working person and instilled that in myself and my siblings. Yet he was uncompromising with a view on everything in life. Am I destined to be like that. I love my father deeply but I can see the wrong turns he made in life. Yet here I find myself at 31 leading a lifestyle similar to his. In fact probably worse as my father socialises more than I do. I feel like crying because I know i have lost something and do not know how to get it back.

Relationships have always meant so much to me because I have been able to let my guard down. i have nobody to talk to and helpful as this may be to let the words flow onto this page I receive no respite. I write this not for sympathy but in the hope that I might have a moment of clarity. To those who read this let this act as a cautionary tale. Those who profess to have a good life outwardly sometimes hide the deepest of pains. Being an avid reader I have always loved words and there is a certain beauty in writing. I wish that what I write could be taken as an overstatement but the greatest understatement is in the truth of what I write.

I have to thank my vanity for the protection it offers me against people seeing into the windows of my heart. Outwardly I maintain the person of a person with no problems but inside I feel torn.

I’m not going to ramble anymore because I already feel insipid for writing this.

Another chapter

I’ve been away in bournemouth for the last 3 days with my ex-girlfriend. I realise that it probably was not a good idea. I had a great time with her family but it does seem as if the wall between us is higher. We didn’t really interact with each other. It was a relief to leave in the end. We would laugh and joke but the conversation between us was almost non existent. We talked last night and we both know that we need to give each other space so we can make a good go of our friendship. It’s strange it’s my birthday on sunday and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve had an epiphany. I need to put myself out there. I think over the years I have become really insulated. I’ve let things chain me down. I am almost too responsible. I need to get the fun back in my life. Combine being responsible and letting myself go once in a while.